“The most interesting people you’ll find are ones that don’t fit into your average cardboard box. They’ll make what they need, they’ll make their own boxes” - Dr. Temple Grandin
Hello World,
There is a saying, that goes if you’ve met one person with autism, you have met ONE person with autism. I rather think that its clever in the way that it subverts and distorts the popular phrase of meeting one type of person means you've met them all. I also feel like it’s probabbly true.
I was diagnosed with a High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder This year, it is likely I have had it all my life and looking back it explained so many things to me, it gave a reason. Not an excuse, but a reason for why things were so weird to me.
I never understood eye contact, or how you could simply walk up to someone and say hi without that being weird... in all honesty I still don’t. I would curl up into a ball and scream when people asked me to decide and frankly I’ve always been considered a weirdo. So instead of trying to claim these things are all due to autism I’m simply going to relay the things that were always a bit odd about me... and reflect on it here.
I am rigid, now not the kind of rigid you’d expect, but it's very hard to convince me of something, make me change my ways, or even convince me something isn't true if I believe it. Yet at the same time if I don`t know you, I may or may not be willing to listen to your advice and I may even find myself repeating it. I do that a lot actually, I like reference jokes and dad jokes because they're simple. Everything I say seems to come across in a tone that makes me sound like an asshole or like I know it all but I certainly do not know everything I barely know anything, and what I do know might not be true. I suppose I have difficulty... in figuring out what is or isn't factual since despite understanding things are not black and white, I still want them to be. So because of how I articulate things, I seem normal but just an asshole.
Sometimes I find myself overtly obsessed with keeping order or organization of things, niche things... real tangible things rarely find their way into that sphere, It kind of confuses people a lot of the time. It confuses me to. But some things feel right even if I couldn't tell you why exactly. I’m also very protective of the things I like... I make fun of them because i love them, but others doing it is iffy at best. Often I suppose I’m a hypocrite in ways that I don`t even realize.
To an extent semantics and proper usage of terms is a need for me, not to grammar Nazi levels of course, but, just in general. I also tend to connect widely different topics together in a string like a Wikipedia hyperlink game... I have always done that, I consider it a skill. much like the semantics I mentioned.
When it comes to fantasy or sci-fi, or anything creative, things need to make sense, If I’m part of the creative process it has to logically fit in somehow, even if its ludicrous... I am very stubborn about this and it makes role-playing, something I do non erotically as you know, pretty hard to deal with. 0
In some ways I feel like I adopt popular opinions, just because they're popular, unless they go against my own moral code... I’m not entirely sure why I do this, but it's not hard to tell, I’m often called out for it and it often leaves me feeling perplexed, I guess in a way I think it will help me relate to other people more?
Which is hard enough when the way people interact Doesn’t really make sense to me, hazing and that kinda thing, I do not understand it. I've always been very literal, I’m not good with nuance or really reading social cues, top that with anxiety and it makes life a mess to navigate. Sometimes I find myself in fights I never wanted to have... in fact conflict follows me wherever I go. Possibly because I see things differently, maybe not better, though I may act like it, but my perspective Doesn’t often line up with others, even other autistic individuals like myself... It’s difficult to really tell. Sometimes I just don’t understand why people do the things they do or believe what they do, and its with almost everyone I meet. I think I've had trouble socializing for as long as I can remember, people always get annoyed or mad at me and Sometimes I honestly have trouble understanding why. I feel bad but also mad when $#!7 like that happens.
I’m brain smart, not life smart. I can tell you plenty of useless facts, facts that are interesting to me...but to others are simply drivel, it makes me sad, Along the same lines I find myself struggling with even the most mundane of tasks, hygiene, changing clothes, doing laundry, making dinner on time, you name it and having ADHD on top of it doesn’t help either.
I`m very particular about a number of things, fussy, wouldn't even let my food touch as a kid. I feel a constant longing for stability and planning, fear change and suddenness yet at the same time become depressed if things are too...well stationary. If things don’t change if I’m doing the same thing without any difference it irks me... yet with other things I can never get tired of. I really like cartoons, and I love animals, I love things of both genders stereotypes... I’m an oddball... and I love it. I also have my version of time-frames, jokingly called Mark Unstandard Time, I remember things almost too exactly sometimes and forget other things fast. I have my understanding of the definitions of words, and apparently I’m really good at writing essays. Yet even among other spectrum i feel alone... I feel alike finally I have a reason to understand why I’m like this... even if i haven’t mentioned everything here. That`s why I like typing and writing these things, helps me put thoughts together clearly, at least to me. Explaining things and having things explained has never been my strong suit.
But Hey At Least I'm Trying Right?
Mjax Majoran
