"Love is weird in humans, it kinda defies the usual chemicals and urges to procreate. Even as a cynic I find that pretty beautiful" -Mjax Majoran
Dear World,
So usually I'm all fancy and formal and pretentious with these entries but I really think this topic doesn't need, and in some ways doesn't deserve that kind of needless parody/formality.
I suppose My experiences with what I'll refer to as Romantic Love for clarity have been a bit Tumultuous overall. Starting with the whole "love is great and beautiful but its not for me, to a few dumb crushes which were mostly fabricated to get people off my back or because I figured they were cute-ish personality or Appearance wise. but most of those I don't think I'd ever consider Real, at least not in the way my last two... including my current; dances with romantic love have been.
It's important to know that I view myself very much as complicated when it comes to my Sexuality and Romantic interests, the closest labels applicable would probably be Asexual* PanRomantic.
The reason for the * there is that while I derive little pleasure from traditional sexual imagery, flirting, and the physical appearance of others. I am capable of enjoying Physical intimacy with someone I actually love romantically, even if it's partially or mostly due to their enjoyment by proxy. I am also quite capable of self pleasure though require Paraphilias or a long time to really get in the mood. traditionally Sexual themes do not apply to me.
With that Digression out of the way Let's talk about that First real Crush. In the interests of being mature I won't be saying their name or alluding to details which would allow someone who I didn't trust to discover their identity, As that would risk harassment of them which They do not deserve.
I found my first crush much in the same way i found my current love, the difference in their case was I was introduced via a mutual friend who had met them years prior and knew We were both into the same show at the time, it wasn't a matchmaking thing at all, my friend just figured I'd like someone to discuss the show with. This person and I became fast friends, even meeting in person so as to be more comfortable talking to each other (I wasn't even in high school at the time) And while I knew from the beginning something was different, I didn't yet know what. Overtime we became quite close in my opinions discussing all sorts of personal things and deep thoughts. Shit in retrospect probably led to the downfall of our friendship entirely. I won't say hormones had nothing to do with what happened, but Quite a few bystanders at the time did assure me what happened was in fact That i fell in love for realsies.
My biggest mistake was not being able to really read people well back then, that and admitting to my crush so soon in a game of truth or dare. There were other signs of course that I should have let go and moved on, the revolving door of relationships they had at the time (some of whom were objectively pretty immature and toxic) and never offering me a chance. I probably would have been better off if my assertion to myself that we were better off as friends wasn't being clouded by my hormones and legitimate feelings. At two points I believe I approached them myself, both times they gave valid reasonings that nevertheless hurt quite a bit and really got to me. In some of the final years shit got really messy as a meetup group for the show we created together started having drama, fingers were pointed every which way. And My crush just kinda disappeared off the grid. many Years later I found myself giving friendship another shot after we had ceased speaking for a long time, it started out fine, but turned sour when the "real" reasoning for having disappeared and consistently rejecting me came out. What prompted it was merely me reminiscing on positive memories that had nothing to do with it. Their reasoning while valid, was also hypocritical and manipulative. They deemed I needed to let go of both the good and bad, and move on, that memories would only fuel the fact that I was as a person Depressing.
It took me a long time to forgive them, and forgive myself. And while I would apologize and try to start anew, I think that their entire point was pretty clear. We were more different than I thought in that way.
My current Love, whom I hope to keep, I met before my first real crush, and in fact re-met after this whole shiz went down. I at first had feelings toward them, but due to previous experience and their significantly long distance I forced myself to repress them, which i Successfully did for many years. Anyway, a Couple years back and sometime still, They Started dropping hints, and i'm kind of well ace and autistic and sometimes dense so I never picked up on it. To be fair the hints were at first subtle, stuff I took for granted like drawings of our animal characters cuddling like animals do. It didn't even seem unusual to me when the actual flirtish jokes happened because that was just our humour, I really should have realised that nobody draws your characters over 100 times for free with extensive effort just because you're friends. and I mean the Friends With Art Benefits Joke? And the hearts drawn on some of the drawings. Yeah I was dense. Overtime though I really noticed certain things I either didn't or couldn't repress.
Listening and talking to them for hours about anything and everything, finding myself making joke plans to come visit them, always being more critical of their choices but supportive too. Not to mention the fact that, they just made me well happy. I guess i never acknowledged it as love again because what i'd felt during my first crush felt so much more like what the media tries to push as Real Romance, those feelings and actions that are hyperbolic in every article or movie. It made things hard to discern between a really close friend and something a bit more. At one point though They confessed to me, outright, and I guess I was expecting something deep or important when they kept struggling to just say it, but I know I hadn't been expecting it.
I recall turning red, and being unable to speak for a few moments... and then I just returned the sentiment, without second thought.*
It was a bit of a whirlwind after that, and its kind of the main reason for this post.
but since this is long winded enough I'll get into it on a second part.
Until then,
Mjax Majoran
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