When The End Is Not Enough.

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”
― Juliette Lewis

Dear World,

Hello again, Did you ever feel like things were just so damn hopeless that it didn't matter what you did you knew it wasn't going to work out. Thinking to yourself there was no way in hell you deserved this.
Well I think we have all been there, but as I reach a point in my life where I am struggling to get by, hold a job, get income support because I'm mentally disabled in many ways. Yet can't seem to bring myself together as an impossible deadline looms closer than ever. You might ask, have I tried everything?
Certainly World I have not, I have been given numerous places to try going to try to fix this situation which plagues me. Yet without the money to get to these places, I find myself in a bit of a bind. See to get help to get to these places I first need to be able to get to the places which can help get me to places. Catch 22. Living in canada with all these fancy electronics you would think me rich... but no... I'm merely surounded by generous people who know the hardships I and my mother face on the daily. Within a couple weeks i will lose all coverage for the medications which keep me from killing myself either out of stupidity, or out of grief... or out of pain. When this happens it will be next to impossible for me to apply for help programs the likes of which "Conservatives" would like to eradicate, or even a decent job.

I have been labeled Medically Unable to Work Full Time. This was a blow to my psyche like none other, I havent had nightmares in 10 years, and yet now i find myself in a new nightmare every night... my sleeping is off, my life is off and all i have left is hope.

So imagine my surprise (and guilt) when, despite everything, the online friends I had always deemed as "just online friends" decided to band together and start donating money to me via paypal. To think that I somehow mattered so much to these people who had never even seen me in person... i think in a way it sort of gave me hope again.

Tomorrow, I shall be going to two places with any luck with the intentions of finding paths i might be able to take to fix this mess. Remember nobody ever said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it.
While I cannot tell that for sure, I'm not even 20 yet afterall. It does seem to me that there are moments that make all the pain worth living through. I don't update this blog nearly as often as I'd like to... comsider that a quirk I suppose. But when I do, I always seem to write as if I'm formally speaking to someone, in a way such that one would think I'm a 33 year old british guy from the 1800s. Which would be kind of silly when you think about it.

So I ask, when the end isn't enough to bring you down, what possibly can? I'm curious to know what you think!

Sincerely Yours,

Mjax Majoran